to belong to someone:

Today one of my students asked me, in the front of the whole class, and dead serious, if I could take him with me when I left on Thursday.

It just melts my heart. In the back of my head I second guess it and think it might be a little bit creepy & weird for a 17 year old boy to ask if I could bring him back to Bloomington with me. In my heart I know that inside that 17 year old body, tough and ragged from way too much hardship in his short life, is a child's heart. A heart that is longing to belong to someone.

He wasn't asking be if he could come back with me because he actually wanted to. He wanted me to tell him I care, I value him, I will miss him, he's important, and he (in a way) belongs to me and I (in a way) belong to him.

The relationship I have formed with my students is just that. I have grown so much as a teacher and a person from having the opportunity to teach them. A little part of me will always be in that door-less, run down classroom. At the same time, (I hope) I have made an impact on those students that is unique to who I am and how I loved on them.

I love the idea of belonging. It's so warm, comforting, natural. We were made to belong.

How cool is that!!!!

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

Sin.

That word that makes me cringe, but at the same time think about how it’s inevitable. We can't help but sin.

It’s thrown around in popular music as if no such thing (Brittany Spears, Lady Gaga, Jessica Simpson)

We learn that we all have sin. Romans 3:23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of the glory of God.

We learn we need to confess our sin. Proverbs 28:13 People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.

We learn that Jesus has paid for our sin and we are forgiven. 1 John 1:7-9 But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

We learn that we have victory over sin because of Christ! 1 Corinthians 15:57 But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

So for the sinner; for me and for you, what are we to do with this sin? It still cuts like a knife when a friend sins against you. It still makes your heart ache when you realize you have an area of sin in your life. Sin still impacts our relationship with the Lord and with others.

So we learn from our creator. He loved us so much that He gave us His only Son to pay for our sins. God’s love covers our sins.

In that, I look to 1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. The genuine love we share is so healing and redeeming, just as is Christ’s love. It’s not just a surficial love, but a deep love.

How incredible is it to know God's love?! I can't even wrap my head around it!!! Even more, he created us to need, and love and care for one another!

I feel so blessed to have people in my life that love me deeply and who I love deeply as well. It’s so apparent that we were created to be in relationship with one another.

Praise the Lord that He is SOO good and not only LOVES us, but LOVES us despite our sin!

To infinity....and BEYOND!

Katie and I the day we decided to start our adventure at ISU!!! 4+ years ago.

Last night I spent time with friends, a group of seniors. My friend Chelsey had everyone over for “Pancakes & Prayer”. We ate yummy pancakes, and then talked about what is near approaching…graduation. May 12^th is just around the corner and all of us will be leaving the comforts of the college lifestyle where each hour of our week is planned out for us based on University standards and requirements, and entering into the scary, yet exciting….real-professional-unknown-world. We chatted and shared many of our fears; ranging from fear of financial instability to changing relationships. (Our fears did quite a number on filling the poster.) We shared our dreams too! Our dreams included anything from staying in B-N, to traveling, to decorating a home.

It was really awesome to not only process through and think about what I really do fear and dream/desire come May, but also to know that I have friends standing in shoes that look just like mine, but may be laced up differently, or be a different color. We ended the night by praying for each other and submitting our fears and dreams to the Lord. It was very refreshing.

Since last night I’ve had time to think a little bit more of what the future has in store… what my fears look like and what the true desires of my heart are.

Ultimately, I need to trust both my fears and my desires to the Lord.

Fears

• · Leaving Bloomington-Normal: It’s so unknown, the thought of living anywhere but here on my own (with Eric). I’m so scared of leaving and not finding friends/community.
• · Not having community
• · Changing Friendships
• · Staying in Bloomington-Normal: It’s so known. The thought of staying here and getting stuck in a college town is uncomfortable to me. I don't want to become that old, weird, married lady that just sticks around.
• · Not finding a community that I can thrive in and serve in using my gifts.
• · The first year of teaching being awful.
• · Being far away from family
• · Not finding a teaching position
• · Not knowing where we will be/where we will live.
• · Being financially independent.
• · The responsibility of adulthood.
• · Losing my youth (energy & such)
• · Getting boring...

Though these fears are real and legitimate for my life right now, I know that God has a plan for my life. Everything I will do, He already knows about. I am taking time to be in prayer over these fears, and taking time to trust in the Lord with my future, whatever that may be, however hard it may be to trust Him.

Step 1: Surround myself with truth.

Isaiah41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 46:1-3
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Dreams/Desires

• · Being married!
• · Teaching: One of the things I am most passionate about is teaching! I’m so excited to have my own classroom and to just pour into my students.
• · Being involved in kids’ lives.
• · Impacting the community: I not only want to teach, but I want to be active in the community in which I teach. I don’t want to be one of those teachers who leaves work and doesn’t touch the students’ lives any time before or after school. I want to see a kiddo at the grocery store, or playing at the park, I want to know my students holistically.
• · Creating something: Where ever I end up I want to establish something in the community that will benefit those with special needs and allow for awareness and support for community members…I helped with a TOPS Soccer program that did just that & would be perfectooo! J
• · To play soccer/be active!
• · Create a home.
• · Be a family.
• · Travel
• · Experience culture.
• · Use my Spanish!
• · Be with Katie! J
• · Be near family.
• · Be surrounded by, invested in and dedicated to a strong Christian community.
• · Make new friends.
• · Keep old friends!
• · Grow…specifically in the Word, but also…just grow!

I know that as much as I must trust the Lord with my fears, I must also trust him with my desires. As hard as it is for me to let go of control and give it up to God, that really is the case. He is in control. Not me! So I find rest in knowing the truth of the bible in that God will care for me…for us… and that he does want the very best for us…and believe it or not…HIS plan is incredible and BETTER than mine!

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Psalm 20:4

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

Psalm 21:2
You have granted him his heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of his lips.

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 40:8
I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.”

Are you graduating soon? Or starting a new chapter of your life? Are you scared? Excited? In between? All of the above?

Me TOO!!! :)

DO Break the Ice!!!

In honor of a beloved Childhood game, I simply say... don't live your life like a Hasbro game! :)

Okay here is the deal. I've been teaching in an Alternative High School program in a pretty urban area. Now if you know anything about urban areas you know they are extremely diverse, any typically have very high low income population (especially in the public schools). If you know anything about alternative schools, you'd know that the population of students one works with is, well, atypical to say the least.

I ALWAYS thought I wanted to teacher High School kids with emotional and behavioral disabilities, a place exactly like this! Well...let's just say I've changed my mind, but not my heart.

The past 6 weeks at this school has been really rough, challenging, disheartening, heart breaking, boring, and just straight up hard!!!! I have been called who knows what...was told student's can't stand me... one boy talked about stabbing me in the face...I've been tested and tested and tested...and the list goes on. Basically, now I really want to teach ity bities that just adore me, I don't think this is a population of student that I could last teaching...

There's a catch...because there's always a catch!!! AND God works all things together for our good.

For every challenge that I've faced in this classroom with these students, the victories and the blessing of having the opportunity to be a part of their lives have been more than worth the long drive, the bad attitudes and every other curve ball that's been thrown my way.

The very same students that have ridiculed me and hardened their hearts towards me are now my students. I don't say that possessively at all, but in the sense that there is a relationship there. Once I broke the ice with them, and showed them that I was a real person, with real emotions, and real problems just like them...SLOWLY....and I mean slooowwwwly they have cracked open the door to their lives and let me get a toe in the threshold. It's been so amazing!

My heart is so for my 8 crazy teenagers! It's such a blessing to see them share their lives in their writing. I've learned so much through chicken scratch and crumpled, ripped papers. It's all worth the squinting and decoding to learn what a student is passionate about, how they have been molded to the person they are today, and who they want to become. They all have such sad, hard, heartbreaking stories. At the same time they all have such amazing goals and a genuine desire to be better, start over, and make a difference.

I love young people who just exude determination.

With all odds against them, they don't give up. They persevere (funny that I taught a mini-lesson on perseverance today).

All this to say that, yes, I have more of an idea that I more than likely would more so enjoy teaching the little booger face munchkins. At the same time, I just love these kids. They grabbed my heart! I'm so sad to be leaving them soon. I can't believe how they have touched my life in such a way in such a short time.

Now, the same punks that made me come home crying the first week of school, are the smiling faces I joke around with before class begins. The kids that said "I can't stand Ms. Kuptz", are now asking, "Ms. Kuptz, you coming to my graduation?". The girl that just stared at me for about three weeks, shares how here morning is going with me every day. I BROKE THE ICE!!! I think I won them over....but more importantly they won my heart!

What I've learned:

Don't give up.

Persevere.

God HAS a plan.

Don't doubt it.

Embrace it.

IT'S GOOD!!!

Open your heart.

Jump out of your comfort zone.

Trust in Him.

Just...break the ice.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called According to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

I love teaching. I love my students. It's hard. It's so stinkin' worth it!!!

Wait… What? Burrrr!

December is just about here and I can’t even believe it! My last fall as an undergrad has flown by.

It seems like I was lugging mismatched furniture up the stairs of our “bright and shiny new apartment” in 90 degree weather yesterday. Since then we’ve learned that bright, shiny and new should really be old, drafty and ghetto. But it’s home now just the same. That was 4 months ago. 4 months, that’s all…but that’s also a lot. SO much has happened since early August, yet so little. It’s as if I’ve gone from a carefree jubilant college kiddo to a pseudo adult in a 4 month blink of an eye. My bedtime is now 10pm, I have a big girl car, planning a wedding, planning a future, searching for a career, professionally networking, and so much more. It’s a go-go-go, think -ahead, do this, do that, check, check, check kind of life that I’ve been living.

Is that what I want? Do I really enjoy realizing that it’s December and a new year is approaching and like I’ve done….well I’m not sure?

Not now.

Yes. I am doing something I love and that I am passionate about.
Yes. I am succeeding in school.
Yes. I am going to be graduating.
Yes. I am job searching.
Yes. I am planning for the future.

Yes. I am ….more than the things I do. I am more than: a job, a student, a professional, a teacher, an employee…

I am a child of God.
I am a sister in Christ.
I am beloved by the creator of heaven and earth.
I am chosen to do work that God has created in advance for me.
I am loved.

The go-go-go, think -ahead, do this, do that, check, check, check kind of life that I’ve been living doesn’t always work for me. Sometimes it just happens. It’s my natural inclination to turn on auto-pilot and soar. But when I auto-pilot my way through life, I go from living to existing. I can’t just exist. Jesus died on the cross to give us LIFE! So therefore I am called to LIVE. Yes, living sometimes does include school, work, planning and the like. But first and forever foremost it includes finding your identity, your strength, your sustenance, your faith, your hope, and your life in Christ. –That’s sometimes hard. Not because He made it hard for us; but because we make it hard for us. I made it hard for me.

This fall has been hard. It’s been just…YUCK! Yeah, there were some highs thrown in with the lows, but I’ve just been low. I’ve played a huge role in that. I have failed to recognize who I am.

Praise be to God that He is faithful and puts wonderful friends and family in my life to come into these times. Praise Him for continuing to be such a constant, faithful, loving father. Praise the Lord for being the One to put our hope into. I am hoping for a season of closeness to our father, a season of rediscovering who I am in the Lord, of really living, of finding my joy in Him, and of shedding the busy-busy-busy for connecting and growing. I don’t want June to be here and be like “Wait... What? Sizzle!”

Let’s live together, to bring honor and glory to Him.

"that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith."
Romans 1:12